Finals Week

This past week has been extremely stressful because, just like everyone else, have so much to do. The week of Thanksgiving, I basically did not work. Monday and Tuesday were a waste because I did not pay attention at all in class, and I certainly did not do as much work as I expected at home. Now I am paying the price.

Between my last test, quizzes, projects, and worrying about final exams I have been crazy. I jump from one assignment to another and feel so disorganized. I don't know what to expect for my final exams, it first semester of college. Are they like my high school finals? How hard will they be? How prepared am? What do I need to do to study and learn the information?

I would like to say that my goals for finals week is to get A's and B's on them, but that is not really what I want from myself. I want to feel prepared, and confident in my knowledge. I want to understand what I study, not just stare at a textbook and hope the information gets installed in my brain. I want to really learn what it is like to manage my time, to study a lot, but also be able to get a good night sleep, and go to the gym. I do not want to worry about about what I do if I have to go to the bathroom during a final or have nightmares about sleeping through a final (yes, I actually worry about those things).

I know I expect strange things from myself, but I know what is best from me. I need to limit any anxiety I have and feel comfortable taking my final exams. Because if I do, I will certain be able to get the grade I want.

Still the Same

Being home for Thanksgiving break was such a tease. It actually felt like I never left home to go to college, everything was exactly the same as it was prior to when I moved out on September first. My house was still hectic; the TV was still blaring, the washer and dryer were still running, and the dishwasher still needed to be emptied after every meal. My parents still guilted me into picking my brother up from practice and taking my sister to her friends house. My mom still chased the dog around the island in the kitchen and my dad still sat in his chair after a long day at work.

Not only were things at home still the same, but my friends were still the exact same. We still all decided on where we were going to go out to, argued about who was going to drive, and debated on where we were going to sleep. When I was with them, I completely forgot about my new friends at school. It was refreshing to see all my old friends and classmates. I missed how nice it was to be comfortable around one another and the feeling of being welcomed. I felt safe and actually enjoyed going out with them. I guess I did not realize how lonely it is at college, where I still do not know a lot of people yet.

I also realized I missed things I did not think I would, like cutting my own fruit and cracking my own eggs. I missed exercising by myself and being able to keep my door open when I laid in bed without it being weird. I missed asking my sisters for advice on my outfits and my mom giving me attitude when I did not do exactly what she said right when she asked. All tiny things that I took for granted I now cherished.

Now that I got my 'home-fix', I am happy to be back at school. It is time to buckle down and really focus on my last three weeks. I have two more exams in Chemistry and Spanish, a final portfolio and a vocabulary quiz for Religion, a math quiz, a blog portfolio and my 8 page final essay for English, and four finals. It is going to be rough, but I am excited to finish the semester and get home again so I can remember everything I missed!

Movie Monday

This past Monday, I watched a movie. I know it doesn't sound like a big deal, but to me it is. I never have the time to just relax and watch a movie, I don't even watch TV. I had a really bad weekend and all I could think about was being home in just 36 short hours. I thought the best way to pass the time, and distract myself from any ideas of home would to be to watch a movie. So that's what I did.

I watched The Rebound, starring Catherine Zeta-Jones and Justin Bartha. This romantic comedy was exactly what I needed to clear my head. It was funny, yet heart-warming, predictable, yet satisfying. In the movie, newly single mom Sandy moves to New York City after finding out her husband had been cheating on her. After renting the apartment above a local coffee shop, she asks barista Aram Finklestein to babysit for her so she can go on a blind date. After series of failed blind dates, Sandy realizes she's looking for love in all the wrong places.

Sandy starts to see Aram, her male nanny many years younger than her. It seems weird, but their relationship actually worked out for a while. Sandy would go to work while Aram would stay with her kids. At the end of they day, they would all get together just like a family. Of course, it wouldn't be a movie without conflict, Sandy and Aram eventually broke up.

Though the ending was predictable (they got back together), I enjoyed it. It was a great way to clear my head and focus on something other than school. Though I wasted two hours of my life, it was well worth it.

My South

Physically speaking, North and South are polar opposites. When I think of North I think of cold, dark, mountains. When I think of South I think of warmth, sunlight, and beaches. I have never traveled north of a family vacation, we only go down south. This is because the south is a happier place.

My ideal 'south' would be my house at the Jersey Shore. It is where I spend my summers, early falls, and late springs. I would prefer to be there rather than my house up north. I did not grow to appreciate my escape down south until I got into high school. It was then that I realized that being by a beach was relaxing. I loved how I could escape reality, I could be in a place where nothing mattered. 

Whenever I get upset when I am at my beach house I always walk on the beach. I love being alone and reflecting on what happened, what I could have done to avoid the situation, and what I could do to fix the issue. Being in the south makes me more understanding, reasonable, and compassionate.

 At the same time that I find myself during these reflective walks, I lose myself. I think about who I am and what that means to me which helps me find myself. While this is happening I lose myself because it does not matter. Who I am and what I am like does not matter when I am walking alone on the beach because no one is around. 

It's crazy to think how traveling an hour down south from where I am from could completely change my mindset.

I am North

Growing up in New Jersey, I always felt like I was in between northern and southern United States. I was neither too far north, nor considered myself to live in the south. My placement in New Jersey is exactly the same in comparison to the country. I grew up in Somerset County, in central Jersey. I never knew what it was like to be “north.”

A space that embodies northness for me is Connecticut. My idea of northness is college, being at Fairfield University. Aside from physically being north of where I grew up, being in Connecticut is an internal journey. It has forced me to leave home, and fend for myself. Peter Davidson argues in The Idea of North that, “A voluntary northward journey implies a willingness to encounter the intractable elements of climate, topography, and humanity.” It took courage to leave where I considered home in New Jersey to come to an unknown land of opportunities. It was not until I changed who I was that I was able to really experience what it was like to be north.

Davidson says, “In everyone’s mind there is a line drawn across the maps, known to that person alone, of where ‘the north’, in the sense that means more than ‘north of where I happen to be’, begins.” This line is a moral line that you cannot cross unless you change. Once you cross this line, you can achieve your own personal north. For me, the boundaries accompanying my journey northward included getting over my shyness, homesickness, and dependence on other people. Once I changed these negative attributes to my personality, I became successful at Fairfield.

Davidson says that traveling north is a space that is hard to get to, and is not easy to obtain. Prior to attending Fairfield University, I never saw myself as ‘naturally smart’. I was a straight A student, but I had to work for it. My grades were a direct correlation with my willingness to put in the time and effort. I was forced to teach myself how to learn. My acceptance to Fairfield University was not a shock, but a relief; my hard work had finally paid off.

Traveling north to Fairfield University was a risk I was willing to take. Being away from home for the first time left a lot of room for failure. I had to find a new niche that I could consider to be “home.” I had to create a routine
and be willing to be flexible. All these changed I made allowed me to have a successful trip north.

Mr. Paul Muldoon

It's pretty amazing that we can have someone as famous as Paul Muldoon come to Fairfield University for a poetry reading. What is also amazing is that he can be so famous, yet I had no idea who he was. I have read poetry before, but it's not one of the top things on my 'to-do list' in my free time. When I read poetry it is because it is assigned.

Professor Kelley seemed really excited about this famous poet and Professor at Princeton University coming to our school for a poetry reading. She assigned us a packet of his poems to read so we could discuss them in class prior to the reading. When I attempted to read the packet, the poems made no sense. My mind was blown, I had no idea what Muldoon was trying to say. His poems just weren't registering in my brain, they required knowledge that I did not have.

After the class discussion I really did not want to go to the poetry reading. I assumed I would have to sit in a hot, crammed room filled with poetry fanatics that were there on their own free will. I thought that everyone would be engaged in Muldoon's reading, while I would just sit there with my arms crossed. I assumed that Muldoon would be a stuck-up poet that was to smart for his own good. Luckily, I was wrong.

I was surprised that I actually got a seat when I arrived at the poetry reading. A lot of events on campus are not prepared for the mass numbers of people that attend them. I sat towards the side in the back, and had a view of Muldoon as he walked up and down the aisles. Muldoon surprised me, he was like a normal person, not some crazy poet. He greeted the audience by not only thanking us for coming, but apologizing to those students who were forced to go to his reading. I appreciated this because I was of those students. He had an attitude that made it comfortable to be around. He did not want credit for being famous or to be treated better than everyone else.

Mr. Muldoon gave background information to each poem before reading them. I wish he would have done that when I was trying to decipher what he was trying to say. This information was key to understanding his poems. I got excited when he said he was going to read Cuba, because I actually remembered what that one was about. He joked at the end of the poem saying that he must have gotten tired for ending it like that.

I felt like overall, the audience was engaged in Muldoon's readings (even the students). He cracked jokes and was responsive to the audience. In some cases, student had to leave for class (or because they decided they didn't want to be there). Every time someone got up and left, he stopped what he was saying and said something like, goodbye thank you for coming, see you soon. Though it was a bit sarcastic, but it was nice that he acknowledged everyone for coming to his reading

I am glad I got the experience to attend a poetry reading, because had it not been assigned, I definitely would not have gone.

RIP Computer

Last night I spilt my whole cup of coffee on my computer. It was not just a drop, it was 12 ounces of freshly brewed coffee all over my keyboard. I was sitting at my desk doing homework. I made myself coffee to focus, I wanted to get all my work done so I could relax. I keep my apples in a basket, so when I took down the basket of apples and put it on my desk, boom it hit right into the mug that was right next to my computer.

I didn't know what to do. I picked up my computer and wrapped it in my a towel. The screen was multicolored and the apple sign on the front was flashing. Coffee was coming out of the keyboard every time I moved it. I knew I broke it, computers aren't liquid-proof. I tried the best I could to dry it off, but there was no saving it. My computer was only 2 months old.

I started to cry. I felt so irresponsible. I called my mom to break the news to her. She answered and I heard a loud audience singing happy birthday.  After they were done signing my mom answered and realized I was hysterical.

"Bean what's wrong is everything okay?" she said.
"Mom." I cried. I literally could not speak I was so upset. "I just spilt coffee on my computer and now it's broke."
"Okay Bean calm down it's just a computer. We are just leaving I will call you when we are in the car."

Then I realized how silly I sounded. I was crying over a computer, but I didn't know how else to react. Had I not gotten upset, it would seem like I did not care. But crying over a computer made me seem pretty immature. There are so many worse things that could have happened than breaking a computer.

My mom called me back when they left the party and said not to worry they would get it fixed. I was still really upset. My mom told me that her and my dad would come tomorrow morning and take care of it. My dad added, "You don't have to break your computer to make me come up there, you can just ask me to take you out to lunch." Of course he has to add a sarcastic comment.

So today my parents came, and we went to the Apple store. I felt to guilty making them buy me a new computer, but there is no way I could make it without one (which goes back to our dependency on technology). My dad did not seemed phased by the whole ordeal. He looked at it as theres nothing you can do to un-spill your coffee, and things can be so much worse (and I caught him on a good day). My mom on the other hand openly said, "Your lucky your dad is here, or I'd be fuming."

As we left the Apple store my dad asked, "You know what today taught you?"
I knew where he was going because he always has some sort of little life lesson he preaches about. "That things can be fixed," I replied.
He said back, "To whom much is given, much is expected."

I just smiled at my dad, because I knew it was true. I am so lucky to be given parents that are able to support me in anyway possible. In return, I have to be the best I can be and show them that I truly appreciate everything they do for me.

And just a side note, there will be absolutely no eating or drinking by my new computer!